


i am dented by the scars that keep me up at night

by Princex_N



Series: the gentleness that comes not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it [4]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Autistic Hawkeye, Conversations, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22337800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: “She won’t mind.” BJ says it with such incrediblycertaintythat Hawkeye is baffled. No married couple is justthatin sync, not even couples as healthy and close as BJ and Peg, which means that they’vetalkedabout this, which is so bewildering that Hawkeye has to take several mental steps away from the thought before he starts to do something stupid, like get his hopes up. “Come on,” BJ goads, like he can tell exactly what’s going on in Hawkeye’s head. “What’s the worst that could happen?”Hawkeye should probably be embarrassed that that’s all it takes to get him to consider it seriously, but BJ has always managed to have that effect on him.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Series: the gentleness that comes not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601140
Comments: 11
Kudos: 137
Collections: NF





	i am dented by the scars that keep me up at night

**Author's Note:**

> title is from [Autoheart's song "Agoraphobia"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEWnzBSwJyE), which has a beautifully haunting sound to it that i've been obsessed with as of late

It starts, to absolutely nobody's surprise, with a nightmare. 

Nightmares aren't unusual for Hawkeye anymore. They'd started becoming the new normal the moment Hawkeye had first stepped foot into the MASH operating room, and they'd started getting back again the day Sidney had pulled reality out of hiding for him right before he left it once and for all. The fact that they stuck around once Hawkeye finally made it home is hardly a shock. 

None of them have been the active or loud nightmares he'd been prone to in Korea, and he hasn't been sleepwalking again either, which is something to be grateful for. He manages to sleep through the night more often than not, and the worst things get is him waking up soaked in cold sweat while trying to breathe through the vice grip on his lungs, but Hawkeye can handle that just fine. 

Then Hawkeye has a nightmare about Erin, and suddenly it's all he can think about. 

It starts slow, insidious. Hawkeye is dreaming about Korea, about frantic surgery with dismal results, and is distantly aware of Erin in his peripheral vision, knows that she shouldn't be there and shouldn't be a witness to all of this, but he can't find the space to pull his hands out of the abdominal cavity to get her somewhere safe. It starts with her crying, alone, in the dirt and the gore of the operating room floor. 

It ends with her on the table. 

Hawkeye can deal with a lot, but there are hard limits to what he's able to handle and that's definitely one of them. He wakes up grinding his teeth together to choke back the scream threatening to force itself out of his mouth, he's half out of the bed and he can't remember if he had sat up when he'd woken up or if he'd already been on his way up before he ever regained consciousness. 

Screaming nightmares and sleepwalking are one thing when you're surrounded by adults in an army camp, but they're an entirely different package to unwrap when there's a child underfoot. 

He spends the entire day on edge, unable to shake the images from his head and dreading the idea of having to go back to sleep. Hawkeye doesn't want to have another dream about Erin, and the mere thought of the possibility - however slim - that he might wake up wandering around the Hunnicutt's hallways, or worse, their kid's room, makes him feel like he's going to be sick. 

He does his best to keep it under wraps. Worrying them is the last thing he wants, especially when he knows that he had been doing a lot better than he was when he'd first shown up. He doesn't want them to waste time with concern, and he definitely doesn't want them to find out what he's worried about in the first place. 

Hawkeye knows that this can only go on for so long, that reality is going to have to set in sooner than later and he's going to have to go back home to Maine and leave this wonderful family behind. (Even though they welcome him here he knows better than to think that they have actual space for him in their lives.) He doesn't want to push himself out the door faster by giving away the nasty little detail that he might just pose a danger to their child (Hawkeye can't imagine himself _hurting_ her, not when he spent every moment trying desperately to stop it all from happening, but scaring the hell out of her by walking into her room and screaming can't really be any better). 

No, this is something Hawkeye is better off dealing with on his own, and if it turns out that he can't even manage that, then he'll remove himself from the equation on his own. He might still be looking at Erin out of the corners of his eyes when he can stand to look at her at all, but that's because he's still worried that if he looks at her head on he'll start to think about That Thing That Happened and wind up panicking the moment he sees Peggy pick her up next; Hawkeye _cares_ about Erin, he doesn't want to hurt her if he can help it. 

Despite his own resolve, there's really only so much he can do. 

So, Hawkeye stops sleeping. 

It's probably not the best idea, but he doesn't really have other options. Sidney isn't around to just call up anymore, and although he _could_ send off a letter, that's hardly a time sensitive option. He's already established that telling BJ or Peggy is the last thing he wants, and it's not really like he was dealing with this any other way back in Maine. Maybe sleep deprivation will make things worse in the long run, but who gives a shit? As long as Hawkeye can enjoy this quiet space a little longer in the short term, then it's fine. 

Alright, so maybe he's dizzy all the time and _maybe_ his eyelids feel like they're lined with sandpaper, but he's dealt with worse. He can handle this, really. 

“You going to tell me what’s bothering you?” BJ asks, tone flat and curious as he leans close to hook his chin over Hawkeye’s shoulder.

It occurs to Hawkeye that he doesn’t know exactly how long he’s been standing there. He considers pushing BJ back, but doesn’t. “Why would anything be bothering me?” he asks. “I’m practically perfect in every way.”

“That why you look so spooked every time Peg starts to turn in for the night?”

BJ is good for a lot of things but being oblivious to the things Hawkeye would like for him to be ignorant about has never been one of them.

“Who doesn’t get stressed about sleep these days?” he jokes.

Instead of coming up with a good clever retort, like he should, BJ responds to this by digging his chin a little deeper into Hawkeye’s trapezius, because he’s a bastard when he wants to be (which is most of the time).

“Ouch, you rat,” Hawkeye snaps, but he still doesn’t push BJ off. “Remember when I used to sleepwalk?”

“You started again?”

“No, but I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Sounds like you’re just creating a problem where there isn’t any.”

BJ probably wouldn’t say that if he knew what Hawkeye has been dreaming about. Not that Hawkeye is going to tell him.

“That just sounds like most of the problems that we’re faced with most of the time,” he says instead.

He feels BJ shrug against his back, “Why don’t you just sleep with us?”

_That's_ ridiculous enough to finally make Hawkeye step back to get a good look at BJ's face. "You're joking," he says, even though BJ is standing there with that perfectly serious look on his face. "What am I? Another one of your kids?" 

"Not even close," BJ retorts, _way_ too easily, in Hawkeye's opinion. "We slept together all the time in Korea, and we managed things just fine. If you're that worried about wandering around, then sleeping close enough for us to notice the moment you did would solve the problem before it ever got to Erin." 

Of course he knows exactly what part of this worries Hawkeye the most. Damn him. 

"You're not going to ask your wife's opinion on the subject?" 

"She won't mind." BJ says it with such incredible _certainty_ that Hawkeye is baffled. No married couple is just _that_ in sync, not even couples as healthy and close as BJ and Peg, which means that they've _talked_ about this, which is so bewildering that Hawkeye has to take several mental steps away from the thought before he starts to do something stupid, like get his hopes up. "Come on," BJ goads, like he can tell exactly what's going on in Hawkeye's head. "What's the worst that could happen?" 

Hawkeye should probably be embarrassed that that's all it takes to get him to consider it seriously, but BJ has always managed to have that effect on him.

He manages to wiggle out of giving a direct answer, and tells himself throughout the rest of the day that he's not _actually_ giving this any thought. That doesn't stop him from winding up hovering uncertainly in the hallway outside of their room that night, until Peg walks past and practically drags him in with her. Neither of them pay much attention to him, as they finish getting ready for bed and he stands in place like he can't decide whether or not he wants to bolt. 

It's stupid for him to consider this. Even _if_ he's scared witless by the thought of going back to sleep on his own, even _if_ he knows that he needs to sleep before he winds up worse off than he already is, even _if_ this might be a potential solution, Hawkeye knows that this is stupid. He is such a moron for even thinking about this, there's absolutely not way that this is going to wind up anything but a fucking disaster, for him more than anyone else. 

But he's tired, and BJ was right that if he sleeps here then they'll be able to intervene before anything could wind up even thinking about reaching Erin. 

He sighs. This is so fucking stupid. 

Hawkeye gets in the bed.

* * *

BJ wakes up with an elbow in his ribs and a general lack of surprise. 

By the time they had finished getting ready earlier, Hawkeye had already been asleep, which hadn’t been a surprise either. BJ isn’t sure exactly how long Hawkeye had gone without sleeping, but he’s familiar enough with the dazed expression and unsteady stride of the criminally exhausted to know that it had been a while (and familiar enough with the startled flinches Hawkeye gave every time Erin wandered into his peripheral vision to guess at _why_ the man was so tired).

He shushes Hawkeye muzzily, trying to get his arms around him properly, ignoring the uncomfortable press of cold sweat between them. It’s easy enough to get Hawkeye back into place, back pressed against BJ’s stomach, in the way that usually helps. It’s been months since BJ has done this, but it still feels like second nature.

(BJ didn’t grow up overly affectionate with his friends, and even now he knows better than to bring this sort of thing up in casual company, but it hadn’t felt strange over there. Creeping into Hawkeye’s bunk or pulling back the covers to make room for him in his bunk when the cold or the nightmares got overwhelming, leaning against each other in the exhausted haze of being finally done with hours of surgery, the gentle pressure of Hawkeye’s hand cupping the back of his head when they hugged each other properly. Hawkeye thrived on touch and attention, and BJ liked it well enough and loved to be able to help where could more than that. None of it had ever registered as out of place, had ever felt anything but completely natural. No wonder it took BJ so long to realize that there might be something a little more going on.)

“BJ?” Peg asks groggily, reminding him that she _is_ still there, looking at them both through squinted eyes from Hawkeye’s other side. “Oh, shit. Poor thing.”

Hawkeye is trembling like a leaf; head shaking is spasmodic little motions as he whimpers out choked protests. BJ tries hushing him again and gets a high-pitched whine for his efforts, but he’s careful to avoid trying to wake him up. Interrupting the dreams usually just leaves him screaming, and while it does technically keep the nightmares from progressing any further, it also has a tendency to ruin any chance of Hawkeye getting more sleep since the man's only solution for bad dreams works by stopping them at the source, which he accomplishes by refusing to go back to sleep at all. 

“I’ve got him,” BJ tells her, or maybe tells Hawkeye, who’s still not settled back down, face twisting in anguish at whatever his brain is showing him. BJ always wonders, but he never asks. Sometimes Hawkeye will tell him unprompted, the desire to purge the images enough to override whatever instinct he has that requires him to suffer in silence. Most of the time, it’s just something that they never talk about.

(The punched-out whimpers of Erin’s name gives BJ an idea, and he isn’t sure he would want the full picture of this one anyway.)

Despite BJ’s reassurance, Peg wiggles herself closer, pressing against the knot of their bodies and trapping Hawkeye more firmly between their chests. BJ watches closely, looking for a sign that this is making things worse instead of helping, or for any indication that Hawkeye’s twitching might turn into full blown flailing (it’s only happened once or twice, but even though BJ and Peg would understand, accidentally hitting them is likely to be the kind of thing that Hawkeye would never let go of).

But Hawkeye only winds up with a fistful of Peg’s pajamas, and she hushes him mindlessly as he twitches. His breath is still coming in quick gasps that make him sound like he’s drowning, but he starts to calm down, slowly but surely. He stops jerking around as much, his breath starts to come a little smoother, and the shaking slows until it’s almost stopped completely. Peggy combs her fingers through his hair pushing it up and away from his sweaty forehead, and Hawkeye leans into the touch like an oversized cat, and BJ tries to cope with the sickly soft emotion that rises in him at the sight by squeezing him a little tighter.

He’s trying vaguely not to get his hopes up, because BJ learned his lesson about being let down thoroughly, but it’s hard to avoid it. It’s so hard to keep from thinking about it, when Hawkeye is relaxed in their arms again, a soft and warm weight between them, and Peg is looking at him with fondness and concern, and BJ loves them both so much he feels like he’s choking on it.

BJ buries his face in Hawkeye’s hair, relishing in the pleased half-hum he makes in response, and does all he can to hope that Hawkeye feels safe and comfortable enough to sleep through the rest of the night. 

* * *

Peg wakes up when Hawkeye goes stiff as a board beside her, and it takes all of her self-control to keep from reacting.

She might be inclined to pull back and check on him, but he’s pretty sure he’s actually awake this time, and unless his breathing reaches that shuddery-panicky crescendo that it had last night, she’s curious to see if he’ll wind up relaxing on his own. BJ might be perfectly content to wait until he’s _certain_ to make any moves, but Peggy is a little more impatient than that. The man did just spend the night in their bed, surely that’s enough of a signal to go ahead.

That doesn’t mean that she’s just going to jump in with both feet regardless of circumstances though. If Hawkeye is genuinely panicking about waking up here then she’s going to handle _that_ with a bit more tact.

He’s rigid where he’s pinned between her and BJ, but she waits it out, and eventually he starts to relax. All at once, the tense anxiety seems to flow right out of him, and he lays much more comfortably between them. She can feel his hands curl into awkward shapes between their bodies, fingers reaching out hesitantly to brush against the fabric of her night dress and then pulling back just as quickly. After a moment longer, he pushes his head deeper into the little corner where Peggy can feel BJ’s hand underneath her head. It does everything in her to keep from smiling and giving herself away.

Then, after a moment, she decides to ruin it anyway.

“Sleep well?” she asks and has to smother a laugh when Hawkeye startles underneath her with a muted “Jesus Christ.”

“Didn’t realize you were awake,” Hawkeye mumbles defensively, but he’s still not as tense as he was before, so Peggy counts it as a win.

“Not for long,” which is technically true, but vague enough that he can pretend that she didn’t feel him nuzzle against the top of her head if he wants to. “Well?” she asks, pressing a little closer to him, “You going to include me in this properly?”

“What?” he asks, baffled enough for her to take pity on him.

She elbows him a little, trying very hard to keep this as light as she can for the time being. “Are you telling me that you don’t know how to cuddle a girl properly? You spent all that time with those nurses and you never stuck around for a while once you were done?”

“Of course I did,” he retorts, sounding almost affronted by the insinuation. After a quick moment of hesitation, he tugs one of his arms free and throws it over her, pulling her tight against his chest in an exaggeratedly smooth movement. Peg sighs happily into it, and Hawkeye doesn’t let her go, but he does confusedly ask, “You’re really okay with all this?”

“All what?”

He makes a mocking noise low in his throat. “Well I don’t know if you _noticed_ ,” he says, “but your husband is currently spooning me quite thoroughly. A little bit of action _you_ just requested I get you in on.”

“Do you think I would have asked if I wasn’t okay with it?” she asks, a little curious but also not really expecting an answer. “My husband loves me, and he loves you just about as much as you love him, and I think the two of us seem to be getting along just fine.”

He’s gone tense again, which, she supposes, isn’t exactly a surprise. “I must be obvious or something,” he says, and she _is_ a little impressed with his ability to keep his tone so light and joking despite the fact that he feels like he’s about to leap out of the bed.

“We must not be obvious enough.” She gestures as well as she can given their current situation, “Though I’m not sure how much more obvious we _could_ be.”

“Probably need to be a bit more obvious before I start to catch on,” Hawkeye says. He still hasn’t moved his arm from where it’s draped over her side, but she can feel him nervously smoothing his fingers over the back of her dress. “Is this like,” his head wiggles a bit while he searches for a word, “a fun _experiment_ or something for you two?”

“Not hardly,” she says firmly, struck by a strange certainty that Hawkeye might go along with something like that if they asked him to, despite any possibility that he might wind up hurt by it. “BJ isn’t the type to do things halfway, and neither am I. We’re trying for something quite long-term, if everything works out.”

Hawkeye makes a vaguely disbelieving noise at that. “You know what kind of situation you’re putting yourselves in? I hardly think _I’m_ worth that kind of trouble.”

“ _I_ happen to think you’re more than worth it,” BJ says, his voice still thick with sleep, although Peggy wouldn’t be surprised if he had been half-listening for a while now.

“We’ve spent a long time talking about this, Hawkeye,” Peggy assures him while he’s still recovering from the shock of BJ’s interruption. “We know what we’re offering, and that things might not be smooth running, but we want to try anyway. You don’t have to accept if you don’t want to,” she tacks on reluctantly. She’s pretty sure that they _are_ all on the same page, but even if they are, it’s important for Hawkeye to know that they’re not going to kick him out of their lives entirely if he doesn’t want this or isn’t ready for it yet.

“No,” he says, the word a startled knee-jerk reaction, as if she might yank the offer out from underneath him if he’s not quick enough. “No, if you’re – if you’re really offering this, then yeah… I want to try.”

Peggy feels his arm around her give her a hesitant squeeze, and she hears BJ laugh in relief somewhere above their heads, and Hawkeye squirms just like she does when BJ presses that awful mustache of his against her neck. She feels BJ reach around Hawkeye to wrap her up too, and he squeezes them with such fervor that Hawkeye makes an exaggerated exhalation of air as a reaction, setting them all off giggling like children in an equal mix of relief and amusement.

She’s not so naïve as to think that this is all it’s going to take, they’re almost certainly going to have to sit down to talk about this properly, but in terms of first impressions, it’s not a bad one.

Not a bad one at all.

**Author's Note:**

> switching from angst to fluff seems like a skill that would be appreciated by the MASH fandom more than most, considering the source material I'm working with here.
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
